And now, for a little too much talk about me

Ok so we have to talk about something. Something random of course. And next time will be more fun, but I have to just get this out there, I think it's important....

Depression is a terrible thing. So is mania, and anxiety, and I don't know what is worse, but today we'll talk about it. Why? Because it's me, and my life, and it confuses people because they don't understand, even if they want to, and I know I'm not the only one in the world. And it's the "not the only one in the world" that compels me to write this, not because I want to talk about myself; frankly, I could not want to do anything less. But, if you don't know me well, you may actually learn a lot today.

You see, I had a full-out, sobbing until there was a puddle on the floor, make-up melted off, anxiety/panic attack at work the other day. Absolutely mortifying. [Let me preface this with saying that I have a strict personal policy of not discussing work on-line, but this doesn't have anything to do with my employer or job - just circumstances that caused the panic.] About a week ago, a question of traveling came up, and I knew I positively could not go because of family circumstances that week, so I didn't think about it all. Well, it came up again and this time it seemed eminent, and I told myself to suck it up. Checked at home - yep this week is fine... Ok now then...that's when it started:
- I have no details. I MUST have all details. No question unanswered. Were all the details available? No. I have to fly. (That's when I started crying just a little.) I will likely be alone. I might have to drive to Logan. I might have to take a train to Logan. (And that's when I started crying more.) I can't put this on my credit card. I can't. (And I'm sweating.) What? I don't HAVE to go? But I don't want anyone to be angry with me. I need to be a team player. (My chest feels really tight now). I don't want to get in trouble or look bad. Ok I need a minute - I have to go to the bathroom - I'm going to cry more. I barely made it. Locked myself in a stall, started texting Bruce - I can't go, I can't do it, but I have to, I can't breathe, I need help, but don't call me... I finally left the bathroom because I didn't want anyone to hear me crying. It was bad. I ended up not going, thank God. I still worry that I'll be in trouble and look like a moron or something, that someone will be angry with me. I feel guilty and embarrassed and childish. Like I was making excuses. People will just think I'm a big baby.

So what did it? I don't know. I'm very afraid of flying. There's a start right there. I flew about a year and a half ago. With the help of 2 glasses of wine and an atavan, and I wasn't traveling alone. And a very nice man let me grip his armrest white-knuckled the entire time. Before that was maybe about 7 years or so. If someone asked me to drive - hey - I'm good with that. I'm a planner too. I have to plan. I plan things into the next year. I look at my calendar constantly. Several times a day. Maybe more than several. Still, I manage to forget things so I worry about that too.

Anxiety comes with other special things when you combine the ups and downs of being "bi-polar with a predominance of clinical depression". (Oh man, I am telling you guys a LOT today. Deep breaths...) Most people understand depression. Being so down that being more down hardly seems possible. Do you know what mania is like though? If you don't, you're in for a treat. This is what most people don't understand. For me, mania is AWFUL. Truly awful. Now, you tell me, but I think people who don't suffer from it, think it's just that you're super happy. Yeah, no. It's not being able to sit down. It's not being able to organize thoughts and you lose your place, and you forget. It's wanting to do everything until you're not actually doing anything. It's thinking that EVERYTHING IS AN AWESOME IDEA! It's thinking that you need everything in the store and you spend $300 in one trip to Target. Then feeling awful about and returning it all. It's talking incessantly about yourself while you're mentally telling yourself to stop. It's not sleeping and wanting desperately to get more than fours hours of sleep just for tonight. It's like you can't stand your own skin.

(Depression oddly looks similar; you just move at a slower speed, and everything feels hopeless. But TV commercials for lots of anti-depressants tell you about that - do you ever see commercials for manic anxiety? Nope. Never.)

So let's do this now, combine the mania with anxiety and see what happens:
- Can't sit down, can't sleep - I worry about being up for hours, doing dishes, or walking back and forth between the chair and the kitchen, worrying that I need to go to bed because the morning comes fast. When it comes I have to go to work but I can't think - I worry about not being organized, not getting my work done, forgetting about bills, holy crap my credit rating is going to be bad, what if I need a loan I won't get one, my 401K, send Lily to college, Abby, Connor....
In the evening - I'm go to make a cake... I love to bake... I love to make desserts. I'm going to make one every day. Actually, you know, what if I sold cakes. I could - I could make cakes! Actually I could make dinners!!! Like high-end take out! That I deliver! How would I do that?..... 30 min later... I've done nothing, and there's no cake. I'm writing this wackadoo business plan down instead.

It gets worse. Bad days are worse. And then you crash. After my panic attack at work, I finished my day, went and picked up Connor, and when I got home - this girl who doesn't sleep, and was absolutely frantic and can't remember too much of what happened after that, actually, fell asleep in the living room. Then worried all weekend about going back to work because what will I face. And it goes around and around. And let's not forget that this is being up. What goes up must come down, it's true. But this is today. So now - I'm anxious that I will publish this and it's not good enough, or it's embarrassing and it's out there in the universe.. oh whatever. I do what I do - slap a smile on my face every day. And go on.

But maybe now you get me a little? Maybe now you know something about yourself even, or someone else who you wondered about how they may be feeling, why they may act a certain way? I'd like to think this has been enlightening, maybe more for me to actually see it in writing. It sure is weird. But then so am I.