C'est la vie...

Finally back...
It's been a while. Well, it's always a while because I wait so long to make an entry, so having been a while is self-explanatory.


As you all may know, I have ceased to be employed anywhere outside of my home. Hmph. I could go way into that but let's not, we just don't have time. In any case, I get to think a lot so I thought I might as well think here. So let's see what have I done lately... saw TAPS Jay & Grant with fellow GhostHunter fan extraordinaire Pat. It was aawwweeesome!!! Then I got to see my FAVORITE pyschic-medium Chip Coffey...it was aaaaaawweeeesome!!! Bruce took me to that, supporting my weird hobbies. Oh yeah, that's another new thing...I used to put sort of pseudonyms for my family and whoever else I may mention, to protect the innocent, but no more! Naw...too lazy. Your name is just gonna show up here if I am going to talk about you, so speak now or forever hold your peace....ok done! I didn't hear any objections so good-o. Elayne and I went to see Maureen Hancock. Took the kids to see the Kajillion Bubbles show and The Nutcracker, and on The Polar Express. Fun!
But staying home isn't fun. I have no idea how stay-at-home moms do it. I am stunned by that. I still have to pay for daycare because it's impossible to job hunt or take screening or interview calls with the kids in the house. It's lonely. It's downright depressing, frankly. I talk to myself a LOT; like there's a second person in the room. Or to the dogs like they're human and will answer me. I spend a lot of time on the computer constantly refreshing email and Facebook to see if anyone sends me a message or comments on a post, or has a post I can comment on, or if my phone is lighting up because I got a text. I don't make too many calls to talk to anyone because what if someone calls me about a job, I can't be on the phone. I frequently forget the important things I should be doing. I've missed 3 appointments with my therapist in the last 2 months. I haven't ever done that in almost 9 years. Like right now I just remembered some phone calls I need to make...hang on. Ok - 2 things down.
Anyway, I had big plans for what I'd do while I was home. The first week I dived into cooking. I made so much food that the last large meal that week I did not even realize until I was done, that I would almost not fit the leftovers back in the fridge. I honestly didn't know what I'd do until I moved and repackaged and moved food over and over like a tetris game until I shut the doors like a bursting closet and everything might fall out if you're not prepared when you open it again.
I promised myself I was going to totally dive into super healthy eating and working out during the day because I really never had time before and could only work out sporadically. Yeahhhh...nope. Half the time I don't eat a scrap all day long. If I do, I'll eat the worst, most convenient stuff in the house. Work out? What for? Who's going to see me now? I don't really get dressed. Kinda crappy clothes most of the time. Sometimes even all day and to bed; who knows about it? I'll change in the morning. What's the point of pajamas when you wear sweats and stuff all day.
Oh, my house was going to be spotless too. Nope. That didn't happen either. I did find at first that I was just as busy not working as when I was. There were times that I'd run errands and not be home all day long. Well that was easy - Connor's birthday, Halloween, trip to Kentucky, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the girls' birthdays. Now there's nothing really that that's over. And cleaning the house is also impossible and pointless. I can clear a two-foot-square space and 5 minutes later someone will say "oh hey here's some room! I'll put some random stuff there!" I don't invite people over - it's such a disaster and I really don't want visitors to see that. Sigh.
So every day something new, a new list, a new list that doesn't get followed through. It's overwhelming honestly. Most days I just spontaneously cry. I do try very hard to stay busy and I think I am, but thinking is half my problem. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts, end up being a bunch of useless noise.
I think this whole unemployment thing is a process like grief in a sense. For me, it's a death of who I've been since...geesh...as long as I can remember - I've always worked someway somehow since I was 15 and half and could work at the local park's summer program. First denial - I can't believe this happened. Why? How? No problem - I'll have a job to start 2 days after my last day, no doubt. uh unh. Then anger - how could someone do this to me? WTF? Bargaining - what if I had tried harder? What if I had pushed harder? I knew the inevitable but maybe I could have stopped it. Then depression - I already have clinical depression so this ain't helping. How did I fail like this? I failed. I failed my family. I look at my kids' sweetly sleeping faces and think "I'm sorry." I look at Bruce and think "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to create so much pressure for you." And now hitting the unemployment line...oh that's just joyous. Now I REALLY worry. Incessantly. I don't sleep. I have frequent anxiety attacks. Sometimes I just can't breathe. And I put on a happy face...the kids can't know this. They can't know I worry. They can't think for a minute about this. They hear the most frightening things on the news: people, children with no homes, no food, no heat. It's my job that they don't worry about that for one nanosecond. So I reserve panic for bedtime and when I'm alone during the day.
So crap, why am I writing this pity party? It's easy. It's the internet. You can write all you want and send it into the ether and maybe no one will read it, right? How safe is that for pouring your guts out? Clicking the "publish" button is the scariest part because then you truly have put it out there. All the typing before that is all in theory that you might and then you have to decide if you actually will. If someone does read this, I certainly don't want to hear a single "it'll get better. You're not the only one. So many people have it worse." Well, duh. But this is me and my family, so that's it. Maybe someone will read this and hear themselves in it and feel better that they're not alone. And maybe someone will just say "oh shut up you friggin' whiner". I don't care. Right now all I can do is decide whether or not to click that "publish". ........click.