The horrors of holiday cooking are upon us aka pumpkin pie, why hast thou forsaken me?

So it starts today, the day before Thanksgiving - holiday cooking. You know, I love it, I really do. And I consider myself quite a good baker, if I do say so myself. But this year I decided for turkey day, that I would venture into the quasi-unknown: pie crust. My Brother-in-law is the champion Mac-Daddy of pie crusts and breads. He has unlocked the key to making a pie crust that is on par with the quintessential pie crusts of my childhood that set the bar for all pie crusts to come - my Grandma's and Aunt Addie's. They were marvelous. Unbelieveably flaky, always baked perfectly, light and lovely, and looking like a crust from a magazine cover, every single time. Unfortunately, I have been completely unsuccessful in making good pie crust. Well, any pie crust actually. Mine melt while they're cooking, are gummy on the bottom, impossible to roll out. Terrible. And I freely admit it. But today is the day! I am going for it!

Part one: identify proper recipe.
I know none of my past recipes worked. Pate Brisee from the Queen of all Things Martha Stewart - nope, too buttery, melts while cooking, especially blind-baking so forget it. My BIL and I have always surmised that the secret to my Grandma's crust (and really it was probably my aunts who cooked 24 hours a day, it seemed) was probably lard. Since I don't like to be responsible for raising someone's cholesterol levels, or hardening their arties, let's not do that. I considered it, yes, but in the interest of being slightly healthy, it was a no. Now said BIL has done many test recipes for he is a much more intrepid cook than I, and I think he said that he has settled on half butter/half shortening. Maybe he said that, I can't quite remember, but sounds good right now. Where do I find that recipe? Let's see I have Julia Child's baking book, I have The Joy of Cooking, I have Fannie Farmers baking book...hmmm..hey! Let's ignore all of those and search Epicurious! Oh internet, when have you ever failed me?

Part two: execute said recipe.
Epicurious of course yielded many crust recipes but I settled on one that had half butter, half shortening, and only basic ingredients. I'm off! Flour and sugar in food processor, pulse. Cold butter cut in pieces, cold shortening, ice water at the ready...wait...the shortening is supposed to be frozen? ok - put you in the freezer. I've never frozen shortening. Does it really get frozen? Well, I'm impatient so, 10 minutes should be good. Put butter and shortening in, pulse, pulse...course looking mix! Yay! So far so good. Next mix icewater and apple cider vinegar. What? No problem - I have apple cider vinegar. Now I am supposed to take mixture out of processor and put in another bowl, pour ice water mixture on top and mix by hand until....screw that..ice water mix into processor, pulse until comes together in a ball (because I remember that from Martha Stewart's show). Now I can divide into two, because this makes two crusts, and one will freeze for 30 minutes, the other will be wrapped and frozen for up to one month, so Epicurious tells me. ok!

Part 3: Interim pie prep
I only bring this into the saga of the crust because, well, it's the reason for the development of the crust in the first place. I figure while my unformed crust is in it's cryogenic suspension, Ill make the pie filling. I'll get one step ahead of this process - genius. So I go to my basement pantry, get my can of pumpkin, can of cat food for the cat I forgot to feed this morning, and... where's my evaporated milk? I know it was here, I checked Monday before I went to the grocery store... what the...???? Now here is where I digress momentarily to tell you that I have a poltergeist, pixie, imp, SOMETHING in my house that messes with me and I am NOT kidding. But that's another post. Bottom line is - condensed milk gone. Great. I am feeling hellish and quite sure I have a fever (did I mention I've been sick fo 3 days now? well, yeah, there's that too) and now I have to go to the grocery. Go upstairs check can, and I need two cans EVAPORATED milk. What? I thought I needed condensed, I need evaporated, whatever I have neither, but why would I need TWO cans? Ohhhhh this recipe makes two friggin' pies. Now what? Both crusts are in freezer, I am up to 30min mark and I need to go to the store. Plan: take both out of freezer and into fridge for store trip, back in freezer when I return. Now go!

[Pie intermission]

Part 4: dun dun dun...(ominous musical intro)...roll out crust
So for the sake of brevity let's just say everything has gone fine with pie filling manufacturing and pie crust refreezing. Now, the moment of truth. This is where I have huge issues and everything fails. This is where I crumble, no pun intended, and turn defeated to call upon the Pillsbury Doughboy (which usually doesn't turn out much better, honestly) or to the good people at Orchard pie crust, preformed right in it's own foil pie dish. But not today! I am doing this come hell or high water! So I get out my trusty tools of the trade: my French rolling pin, two deep dish pie pans, and my Tupperware pastry prep mat.

Let me talk for a moment about these items. The French rolling pin is a must. I have no problem rolling out other types of pastry, but if you must, you have to have the French kind. The old-fashioned two-handled free-spinning type leave lines in your pastry, it's just horrible. The Tupperware mat is really only because my Grandma had one, and therefore I feel it must be the secret to success, or at least a good talisman. It serves no other purpose really. Anyway onto the moment of truth.

So put out the mat, cover it and the rolling pin with flour, put my dough down and....start your rolling! Yeah, about 30 seconds in the dough is not cohesive anymore and sticking to everything. I pull it all off, wad it back up, and figure I'm heading to the store...again...for crust. But no! I must resolve to do this once and for all dammit. I put the dough back together, knead it a little, do whatever you're not supposed to do: handle it a lot, use a LOT of flour...BUT...holy crapoly it's working! I am rolling a damn crust! (At this point I also realize that I am talking out loud and describing how to do this to my dog, who is very attentive, but just thinks a scrap is coming.) AND I put it in the pan! I try to do a decorative border, it looks horrible, but screw it - a have a whole, unbroken, freakin' crust in the pie dish! So I do it again! Second pie! I even decide to glaze it. I put the filling in, pie goes in the oven.

The FINISH LINE:
Well the pie takes an inordinate amount of time to cook, about 30 min longer than the instructions, and I keep checking it by "inserting a thin knife near the center" and it should come out clean, and it doesn't, and I am doing this every ten minutes so at the end both pies look like they have been the victims of a horrible murderous attack. And then of course my oven thermometer falls and gets stuck on one pie and digs a hole in it, but I don't care. I have a crust. When it was served it was deemed "good and a nice flakiness" from my BIL whose opinion was really the only one that mattered to me, strictly because of his pie prowess.

That's probably not a very interesting story but it was actually a huge accomplishment for me. Just wait until my saga of Christmas cookies, coming soon to a blog near you. I know, I know, you wish it was sooner, but...Christmas is still a way off from now. You'll just have to live in suspenseful anticipation. Sorry.