Loaf of white bread, or Oh Dear, This Can't Be Good

I've done it, just as promised (for those of you who remember, or frankly even care) - I started with my first recipe today from Julia's Baking Book. The first being a very basic loaf of white bread. Easy peasy, right? I've made it before in fact, and it worked out swimmingly. Nothing like a nice fresh loaf of bread. And off we go!



I had almost all the ingredients but for yeast. Used to have a jar of it in the fridge but threw it out a while ago - you can't keep it forever. No problem - went to the grocery and...hey! What the...? My Fleischman's yeast is gone - no jar (which I wanted), no packets or cakes...only this "New Product!" Red Star in packets, with a lady's face promising you that you will be most happy with this product or she'll take full responsibility. Her name is Carol Stevens and she guarantees your satisfaction. Yay! Whatever, I'll take it.



Sunday, got started a bit late. It'll be ok. Recipe makes 2 loaves but where fresh bread doesn't have such a great shelf life, I'm going to make one. Quantities are pretty straightforward so I should have no issue halving. Here we go - need 1/2T yeast. Ok 1/2 T is 2t, great, same for sugar and salt. Mixing, mixing, adding flour. Time for 1st rise. Julia says turn out on lightly floured surface and form into a ball to put into your lightly oiled bowl. Yeah...only this thing is a glutenous mess. What is going on? I try kneading, maybe it just wasn't kneaded enough. Only this is getting worse. It's sticking to everything and consuming my hand. It's like the Blob. My Doodleybug is standing there at the ready with hair tied back and clean hands asking "can I touch it?". My answer is a terrified "No! Stand back! " and yelling into the living room, " Hooneeeeeyyyyy! I need flour now!" Football game in full swing = uninterested, "yeah, ok". NO! I am standing here with a yeast blob that will shortly take my arm! Alright, alright.... phew! More flour seemed to help. Dough ball in bowl, let the first rise begin!



45 minutes later...

Julia said the dough will double in bulk. So exciting! I look in the bowl and that ball is still sitting there. Doesn't look any bigger to me. I check my recipe. And then I think...I convinced myself that 1/2T = 2t, mostly because I think I'm that good of a baker, and also beause I was too lazy to look it up. So I look it up now: ummm yeah, 1/2T = 3t. I am missing 1/3 of 3 ingredients. I look at my Honey and say "this can't be good". He thinks I'm talking about the dog barking. Huh? But wait! Julia does say that rising could take 45 min to ONE HOUR. There ya go! Adding 15 min.



15 min. later...

Nuttin'. Maybe a skosh bigger. Maybe it wasn't warm enough. There's a humidifier running in the kitchen so I decide to perch my bowl precariously on top and wait another 15min. In the meantime I need to get my pork roast going. Geesh this isn't going as well as I thought.

ANOTHER 15 min. later...
Ohhhhh poofier...directions say that if I touch the top, and it is fully risen, the impression of my finger will stay. So I gingerly touch it. Hmmm... I guess my finger impression stays...it kinda sinks a little bit but maybe that's right. Doodle comes over and puts her finger in it. Pffffttttt... like a balloon that's just popped. Maybe I should call Carol Stevens and complain about the yeast she so promised would leaven my baked goods beyond my wildest dreams. No matter, I can't wait any longer to put it in the oven!

Into the oven it goes! Just in time to miss dinner! Eh. So the bread bakes for its allotted time...smells fabulous...and....not done. So another 10 min, and another and another and another..FINALLY...Bing! It's done! And not pretty. This can't be good. It's flat on top, not really golden. And I have to wait until it's cooled COMPLETELY (Julia stresses this! Dammit!) before slicing. We waited with bated breath until Monday to slice. I was disappointed: it was dense, not like say, a potato bread, which is dense but still kind of malleable. Nah, this was just like a loaf of lead. But God Bless my kids, who begged for slices, toasted and buttered and declared it good. Redemption.

I still have a half of lead loaf on the counter, and only one person has asked for a second slice, so I'd still say that it was not a raving success. So, I will not move on to the next recipe (which I won't anyway for reasons I will save for later), but redo this one. And use the appropriate measurements. And cross my fingers that it will rise and bake in a timely manner, I'd like to have fresh bread the same day it's made, ergo "fresh", even if it is a subjective term . Wish me luck. It's gotta be good the second time around. Right?

For New Englanders

You don't have to live in Boston, just New England...it's all so very true (except the part about Harvard Bridge - I haven't verified that one)

The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.

Harvard Bridge
The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly known as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.This is all true

Information on Boston and the Surrounding Areas:
There is no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, and no water on Water Street. Back Bay Boston streets are in alphabetical awddah: Arlington , Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you are on Beacon Hill. If they are named after poets, you are in Wellesley.

Massachusetts Avenue is Mass Ave. Commonwealth Avenue is Comm Ave. South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie. The North End is east of the former West End. The West End and Scully Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. Roxbury is The Burree, Jamaica Plain is J.P.

How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly (Say it wrong and be shunned).
Worcester : Wuhsta (or Wistah)
Gloucester : Glawsta
Leicester: Lesta
Woburn: Woobun
Dedham : Dead-um
Revere: Re -vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Tewksbury : Tooks ber ry
Leominster : Le-min-sta
Peabody: Pee-ba-dee
Waltham : Walth-ham
Chatham: Chaddum
Samoset: Sam-oh-set or Sum-aw-set, but nevah Summerset!

Definitions:
Frappes are made with ice cream; milkshakes are not.
If it is carbonated and flavored, it is tonic.
Soda means CLUB SODA.
Pop refers to DAD.
When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for TONIC WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $7/pound, you got scrod.
It is not a water fountain; it is a bubblah.
It is not a trashcan; it is a barrel.
It is not a spucky, a hero, or a grinder; it is a sub.
It is not a shopping caht; it is a carriage.
It is not a purse; it is a pockabook.
They are not franks; they are haht dahgs; franks are money used Switzahland.

Police do not drive patrol units or black and whites; they drive a crewza.
If you take the bus, your on the looza crooza.
It is not a rubber band; it is an elastic.
It is not a traffic circle, it is a rotary.
"Going to the islands" means going to Martha's Vineyard or Nantucket.
The Sox = The Red Sox
The Cs = The CelticsThe Bs = The BruinsThe Pats =The Patriots

Things not to do:
Do not pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They will tow it to Meffa (Medford ) or Summahville (Somerville) .
Do not sleep on the Common. (Boston Common)
Do not wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.

Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, and two Hancock buildings (one is very old; one is relatively new).
The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the weatha:
"Solid blue, clear view."
"Flashing blue, clouds due."
"Solid red, rain ahead."
"Flashing red, snow instead." (except in summer, flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out!
Most people live here all their life and still do not know what the hell is going on with this one: Route 128 South is I-95 south. It is also I-93 north.
The underground train is not a subway. It is the T, and it does not run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
Order the cold tea in China Town after 2:00 am; you will get a kettle full of beer.

Bostonians: think that it is their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.
Bostonians: think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no Rs, except in idear.
Bostonians: think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
Bostonians: refer to six inches of snow as a dusting.
Bostonians: always bang a left as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it..
Bostonians: believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
Bostonians: think that 63 degree ocean water is warm.
Bostonians: think Rhode Island accents are annoying.

Send this to your friends who do not live in Boston (and also the ones who do!)