Evolution of a Dance Mom

It's been a very very long time since I've posted, despite all good intentions, but this was important enough to me to write about a subject near and dear to my heart, now that more years have passed than I would like to admit, my perspective on the part of my life as a Dance Mom (capitalized from here on out because yes, that moniker deserves to be treated as a proper noun).

Webster defines evolution as "a process of continuous change from a lower, simpler, or worse to a higher, more complex, or better state". To think that I started this life as a sort of Dance Mom organic soup seems a little extreme, but I suppose it's true. Anyone who talks to me for two seconds probably knows more about me than they ever wanted, and inevitably will know that I danced for a long time, and still occassionally take dance classes when my body can take it. I love it. I love everything about it: connecting movement to music, choreography, shapes, the inherent beauty of it all. Also, I'm sure this comes as shock to no one who knows me, I love performance, being on stage, the formality of class, the science of movement and perfection of technique. Imagine my absolute delight when my 4-year old, after watching Angelina Ballerina, said "I want to do that." Oh yes! Joy! I immediately made a phone call to my friend Elayne and found out where to send my kid, and she was off. And so was I. Yes, feeling a little self-conscious and out of place, but I got to talk to other adults, other moms. I didn't know other moms, my kid was 4. Maybe some of these people will like me and want to be my friend. This was new, but fun, and I admittedly needed guidance. First rehearsal and recital brought my daughter to tears because someone's costume scared her; she ran out of the wings, out of the building and across the parking lot like Forrest Gump. I didn't know how to handle that, except feel foolish, what are the other moms going to think, and all that. Four years later, her sister followed. Not running into the parking lot, but into the studio.

Things got better. By then, I knew most of the moms, a few by first name, but typically "(insert dancer's name)'s mom". Eventually, you sheepishly ask another mom what "(insert dancer's name)'s mom"'s actual name is. I still do it, because every fall the studio door opens and in comes a new batch of moms. They're not Dance Moms yet, and not all become Dance Moms, that may come later because when your kids are itty bitty, minds and paths can change. So here I was thinking I knew what I was doing... until my first was ten and we joined the echelons of competition teams. Now frankly, "echelons" may be a exaggeration. It wasn't that big of a deal, there's no undue pressure where they were learning their craft. We attended a wonderful studio, every student was valued, nurtured, and almost all invited to a team, which was great for the kids, but now what I perceived as a certain status, "Dance Mom" took on a whole new meaning. (I say perceived, because if you've got a kid who goes on to dance with regularity, well, you're a Dance Mom; it has nothing to do with competing.) I felt like it was kind of a club, and I hoped I was one of that club. I'd see these amazing, seasoned Moms all talking together about competition, and I was as excited as my daughter, but it was immediately clear to me that I was not part of that club. The first competition I showed up at, we weren't as on-time as we were supposed to be, make-up was not up to par, hair was definitely not, and here I was completely inadequate and in over my head. Now I needed to learn ... a lot. I felt like an idiot, even isolated in a way. I wasn't even considering that there were other moms there in the same boat, I was only feeling bad that I was so dumb and incompetent, and my child was there like a deer in headlights. Even though they were rather busy with their girls, more experienced Dance Moms selflessly jumped in to help and so I learned more about how to have competition-appropriate hair and make up. I know stage hair and make-up, but didn't even think about the precision of it for a 10-year old at competition. Did the other Moms make me feel stupid? Absolutely not, I just felt that way, I was embarrassed, and realized that I needed to rely on some of these Dance Moms, and hoped they didn't mind. It was however obvious that socially, I was on the outside. These moms were staying at the hotels, having dinner together, drinks together; I wasn't asked. I literally left like a dejected child, saying good-bye to people who didn't even realize I was leaving. Again, this was just how I secretly felt, and now maybe looking back I didn't try enough to insert myself, try harder to socialize. They just didn't know me at all. This was also the point when I started acutely feeling that I am not supposed to walk around worrying about me, this was about my daughter's experience.

As time went on, I peaked, I guess you could say. Survival of the fittest. After a few years of competitions with not one but two girls, backstage for every recital, at the studio faithfully for every class, I did learn enough to earn (in my own mind) what is "Dance Mom" status. What did that mean to me? It meant having an innate understanding of competition and recital schedules, little tips and tricks for performance supplies, and knowing enough to be able to help the news moms. People came to me, everyone knew my name (mostly), I'm a dance sherpa, helping others surmount the Everest that is the dynamics of, well, everything, because it can all be very overwhelming. I felt great, but tried not to be braggy. Hope I wasn't. It was probably the first I ever felt my own self-worth in this dance world we were all living in. And friends! I had friends! Not just Moms that I see at the studio and we chat, but also good friends. Dance Moms - all we have is each other. We confide a little, give advice, pretty well know each others' lives and families, cautiously tell each other secrets, and sometimes even hang out, at dance events, of course. But we also quickly shut up, and brush it aside, because it's about the kids, and inevitably, it circles back to that.

Now there is this odd Dance Mom dynamic that unconsciously happens. In this Dance Mom life, you don't talk about yourself in a deep meaningful way, because everything centers around your child, and you're almost apologetic about even daring to think of yourself and your difficulties, so pretty much the only way you do it is "the lady doth protest too much". We channel deeper feelings into complaints about, surpise, dance: how many days and hours a week you're at the studio, how many times you drive there, how much your bill is, oh woe is me look at how many costumes I have to buy, and now I need a special suitcase, etc., etc. Guilty. Totally guilty. It's kind of weird really. In reflection, I've come to see that unknowingly there's this ultimate badge of honor that is not something everyone attains, and that's having the kid, or kids, that take every class, is undoubtedly uber-talented, but you never say that, because we want to make sure we respect everyone, and we do. Don't lie - you know it exists. It sounds so negative, but that is never ever the intent. Do we even know we're doing it? Really not. There are the definitely doing it Moms who damn well know they are, but that is nowhere near the majority. It's completely obnoxious when I think about it; so many people don't have the luxury of doing that for their children. We're very fortunate, but sometimes we have to say no to our kids. I did and I looked around me at the Moms who didn't have to, and I felt "less", but I couldn't tell people that. We don't tell each other those things. Why? Because you know deep down in your Dance Mom heart that it is totally, 100%, not about you. No one needs to know, even though they'd understand and support you. You do it for the child who loves it. You encourage and spend a lot of time and money, a lot of times unappreciated, and it wears on you. But you persevere silently and sometimes sadly, because it's not forever.

The year when my oldest graduated seemed like the beginning of a slow death. It was the worst. I was seriously losing my identity, and some of the only social circle I had. When they're gone and I'm still here, what then, who am I? And what the hell am I doing feeling bad for myself? This is HER year. I did my best but it was hard, and I made it hard on my child. I transferred all my sadness to her, and felt like I didn't pay enough attention to her sister. I cried all year long. What is happening to me? I am so lucky to have four more years with her sister. But that's it. Four more years. The idea of not seeing one of my children perform a lot, watching her dance multiple times during the week, feeling that pride, was overwhelming, and I'm depressed and I'm even angry. I was paranoid that I was being judged, and that from this point on, I was pretty much slowly moving to the outside again. I felt like I was being left out of things, not out of anyone's malice, and I am positive no one realized, it was surely just in my head. The next group of Dance Moms didn't need me anymore, neither did new ones. I had 4 more years to go - my then 8th grader didn't dance as fervently as her sister, they have different goals, so it's not the same extent of how many classes, how many competition numbers, how many costumes. I can't do that commiserating anymore, I wasn't at that same sort of level, I could only nod my head in understanding. The next group of kids have Moms who know what they are doing, are younger than I, and are really a little socially closer. Don't get me wrong, they're friends, but their kids are pretty much all the same age, mine is a few years older than they are, so I felt different. Not bad, but different. Natural Selection. I felt downhearted, sometimes lonely, and felt no right to feel like that. I felt I needed to I keep it to myself, and remind myself: it is not about me. Dance is not about me. Dance is not about the Mom.

Here I am four years later and now this year is it. I got to watch my other beautiful daughter perform and have that special time with her, so proud of her, but this is really it, hurtling toward the very end. And you know what? I'm ok. It's kind of like leaving a job, or graduating from school, and you go away, hugs and kisses and "we'll miss you!". You maintain relationships that are important to you. I know this because I've done it already, I kind of had a sort of practice run. The fall starts a new season and nobody will miss me really, they have each other, and that's ok. If at some point someone thinks of me I'll probably be, "hey, remember '(insert dancer's name)'s mom"? Full circle. And I now realize all the feelings I had, all this time. My own genuine feelings which hey! Why didn't I talk about it?! It wouldn't have been selfish to talk about myself, it would have been ok. I would have been listened to by my fellow Dance Moms. I have no doubt about that.

But back to evolution. The question is, have I evolved? Am I more? I think I am. Finally, after 18 years, 18 recitals, at least 48 competitions, and too many costumes and classes to count, I will tell you other Dance Moms this: it is about you. Without you, your child would not be at dance class. Period. And you have every right to be tired, feel however you want to feel about yourself, complain or rejoice, and talk about yourself and your feelings. It's not selfish. Do it! I see you all, I do. I see you start to kvetch, bite your lip, slap on a smile, sigh and stop talking. Talk. Dance Moms take care of each other. People who don't know what it's like ask me if it's like the eponymous TV series, with crazy teachers screaming at students, rabid moms who dress in their finest to go to competitions and also scream at each other, and ridiculous rivalries with other studios. I adamantly tell them it is not, and it gives us a bad name. Despite the occassional snarkiness, one-uppances, hurt feelings, (and don't y'all lie, you know it happens) it is wonderful. We laugh, support each other, care for each other's children, and do for each other like people should do. I will admit that I got into a couple heated exchanges here and there, but otherwise, I've met people I consider to be something I don't have a lot of, and that's friends. Close friends. Now in my old age I give out a lot of unsolicited advice and tell a lot of stories of things that have happened to me, and let myself be annoying, but nobody's ever stopped me, so that's appreciated even if you did it just to be polite. And you should do those things too. It's so much about you. You are more. I am more. I am so fortunate, better off for the experience, maybe even a little wiser, and so grateful for it.

As Jim Morrison said "This is the end, my friend." It's not for me. I can promise you, I will keep all your secrets, I will keep our Dance Mom memories close, you will never be ""(insert dancer's name)'s mom". I will remember all of your names. You are important. It is about you.

And now, for a little too much talk about me

Ok so we have to talk about something. Something random of course. And next time will be more fun, but I have to just get this out there, I think it's important....

Depression is a terrible thing. So is mania, and anxiety, and I don't know what is worse, but today we'll talk about it. Why? Because it's me, and my life, and it confuses people because they don't understand, even if they want to, and I know I'm not the only one in the world. And it's the "not the only one in the world" that compels me to write this, not because I want to talk about myself; frankly, I could not want to do anything less. But, if you don't know me well, you may actually learn a lot today.

You see, I had a full-out, sobbing until there was a puddle on the floor, make-up melted off, anxiety/panic attack at work the other day. Absolutely mortifying. [Let me preface this with saying that I have a strict personal policy of not discussing work on-line, but this doesn't have anything to do with my employer or job - just circumstances that caused the panic.] About a week ago, a question of traveling came up, and I knew I positively could not go because of family circumstances that week, so I didn't think about it all. Well, it came up again and this time it seemed eminent, and I told myself to suck it up. Checked at home - yep this week is fine... Ok now then...that's when it started:
- I have no details. I MUST have all details. No question unanswered. Were all the details available? No. I have to fly. (That's when I started crying just a little.) I will likely be alone. I might have to drive to Logan. I might have to take a train to Logan. (And that's when I started crying more.) I can't put this on my credit card. I can't. (And I'm sweating.) What? I don't HAVE to go? But I don't want anyone to be angry with me. I need to be a team player. (My chest feels really tight now). I don't want to get in trouble or look bad. Ok I need a minute - I have to go to the bathroom - I'm going to cry more. I barely made it. Locked myself in a stall, started texting Bruce - I can't go, I can't do it, but I have to, I can't breathe, I need help, but don't call me... I finally left the bathroom because I didn't want anyone to hear me crying. It was bad. I ended up not going, thank God. I still worry that I'll be in trouble and look like a moron or something, that someone will be angry with me. I feel guilty and embarrassed and childish. Like I was making excuses. People will just think I'm a big baby.

So what did it? I don't know. I'm very afraid of flying. There's a start right there. I flew about a year and a half ago. With the help of 2 glasses of wine and an atavan, and I wasn't traveling alone. And a very nice man let me grip his armrest white-knuckled the entire time. Before that was maybe about 7 years or so. If someone asked me to drive - hey - I'm good with that. I'm a planner too. I have to plan. I plan things into the next year. I look at my calendar constantly. Several times a day. Maybe more than several. Still, I manage to forget things so I worry about that too.

Anxiety comes with other special things when you combine the ups and downs of being "bi-polar with a predominance of clinical depression". (Oh man, I am telling you guys a LOT today. Deep breaths...) Most people understand depression. Being so down that being more down hardly seems possible. Do you know what mania is like though? If you don't, you're in for a treat. This is what most people don't understand. For me, mania is AWFUL. Truly awful. Now, you tell me, but I think people who don't suffer from it, think it's just that you're super happy. Yeah, no. It's not being able to sit down. It's not being able to organize thoughts and you lose your place, and you forget. It's wanting to do everything until you're not actually doing anything. It's thinking that EVERYTHING IS AN AWESOME IDEA! It's thinking that you need everything in the store and you spend $300 in one trip to Target. Then feeling awful about and returning it all. It's talking incessantly about yourself while you're mentally telling yourself to stop. It's not sleeping and wanting desperately to get more than fours hours of sleep just for tonight. It's like you can't stand your own skin.

(Depression oddly looks similar; you just move at a slower speed, and everything feels hopeless. But TV commercials for lots of anti-depressants tell you about that - do you ever see commercials for manic anxiety? Nope. Never.)

So let's do this now, combine the mania with anxiety and see what happens:
- Can't sit down, can't sleep - I worry about being up for hours, doing dishes, or walking back and forth between the chair and the kitchen, worrying that I need to go to bed because the morning comes fast. When it comes I have to go to work but I can't think - I worry about not being organized, not getting my work done, forgetting about bills, holy crap my credit rating is going to be bad, what if I need a loan I won't get one, my 401K, send Lily to college, Abby, Connor....
In the evening - I'm go to make a cake... I love to bake... I love to make desserts. I'm going to make one every day. Actually, you know, what if I sold cakes. I could - I could make cakes! Actually I could make dinners!!! Like high-end take out! That I deliver! How would I do that?..... 30 min later... I've done nothing, and there's no cake. I'm writing this wackadoo business plan down instead.

It gets worse. Bad days are worse. And then you crash. After my panic attack at work, I finished my day, went and picked up Connor, and when I got home - this girl who doesn't sleep, and was absolutely frantic and can't remember too much of what happened after that, actually, fell asleep in the living room. Then worried all weekend about going back to work because what will I face. And it goes around and around. And let's not forget that this is being up. What goes up must come down, it's true. But this is today. So now - I'm anxious that I will publish this and it's not good enough, or it's embarrassing and it's out there in the universe.. oh whatever. I do what I do - slap a smile on my face every day. And go on.

But maybe now you get me a little? Maybe now you know something about yourself even, or someone else who you wondered about how they may be feeling, why they may act a certain way? I'd like to think this has been enlightening, maybe more for me to actually see it in writing. It sure is weird. But then so am I.

I like my chicken on the French side and something "Tasty"

I know, I know... I was supposed to do this like three weeks ago and the guilt has been gnawing at me, but so has the procrastination, and now I am proud to report that I have overcome all of that, and now I am here for you. Actually, I'm watching Jimmy Kimmel, it's National Hugging Day, and this random girl from the audience is getting hugged very warmly while dancing to "Died in Your Arms" with Zac Efron and I'm mesmerized because damn he's hot. But enough of that! I do have to tell you that I am obsessed with sparkling ICE drinks. Have you seen these? Link: http://www.sparklingice.com/product/black-raspberry

They're pretty and the bottle's kind of inconvenient but soooo good.

Anyhoo - the chicken. I'd been seeing (on Facebook of course) this picture of insanely delicious-looking chicken. Chicken Francaise - looks very om nom nom, doesn't it?

This recipe comes to you courtesy of a site called Recipe30 and there's really a lot of nice-looking recipes on the page, but this one picture kept going past my face in my Facebook feed, looking all buttery and herb-y and all kinds of bad for you, and I was sold.

So first instruction is to butterfly the chicken breasts and then pound them flat. Now, when you do that, you can cook one breast at time in your pan, you just can't fit more, and what's the point really? I just slice them in half (parallel to the cutting board)all the way through and then pound them out (if you want - not totally necessary). You say to yourself "uhhhh... what's the difference?" I'm getting there. Next steps are something I use for chicken parm, egg plant, chicken fingers - dredge in flour, dip in egg wash, dredge in bread crumbs. Now, here's where you'll thank me: if you cut your chicken through instead of butterfly, you can then (either before or after pounding if you choose to) cut into a smaller piece, and what will that do for you? It will allow you to coat and cook the chicken in larger batches. I use a dinner plate for my flour and bread crumbs - instead of coating one butterflied piece of chicken at a time, you can do multiple and then cook multiple. One thing I highly recommend you do not do: dip in the flour and then put in the egg wash and let it sit there. It's ok if it sits in the flour, it's ok if it sits in the bread crumbs, but do not have the floured chicken sit in the egg - it just creates a gooey surface...yuck... Then do your frying as directed. For the sauce, I don't have alcohol in the house, so for white wine I usually just substitute chicken broth. Yes, it is not the same flavor, so just make sure your acidity is right - you can add some vinegar or lemon juice with the chicken stock, and this recipe already calls for lemon juice, so taste test if you're going to go the non-alcoholic route. I reduced the sauce but I wanted it to be a little more...ummm... silky? I don't know if that's the right word, but something a little more substantive, so I ended up adding more butter. What the hell, it's "French", right? Do Julia Child proud and add as much butter as humanly possible. I also did not have fresh parsley so I good bunch of dried will have to do. It was fine.

So here's my finished product (taken with my nifty new phone, with help from a child because I cannot hold it still):

The color's a little weird (and so is the angle) but I think that's not too shabby. And the chicken doesn't look half-bad either! The best part... children rated it a 10 out of 10 - woo hoo! It is really good. I served it with herb & butter egg noodles and some veg that I don't remember right now. I say - if you haven't already tried it - do.

Now for the Tasty: I actually did what I said I was going to and used a recipe from a Tasty video... Pull Apart Garlic Rolls


(recipe:
Ingredients:
1 tube refrigerated biscuits
3 Tbsp. butter, melted
1/2 tsp garlic powder
2 Tbsp. fresh parsley, minced
1 cup shredded mozzarella

Cut biscuits into fourths, and place in a large mixing bowl. Add the butter, garlic powder, parsley, and mozzarella, and mix with your hands, coating all of the biscuit pieces. Place the pieces in a muffin tin, 3 pieces per tin (you’ll have 2 extra—just use them in whichever tin you want). Bake for 15 minutes. Best served fresh out of the oven!)

So I looked in my fridge and said to myself - why not? I have all of these ingredients so let's go for it... So

Step 1 - open can of biscuits. I had Pillsbury Flaky Layers and that's fine

Step 2 - wave hands over biscuits to instantly transform into pieces. I actually had to manually quarter them. I used my favorite kitchen shears and cut them individually. They're sticky so after you cut them they immediately want to start sort of becoming a single biscuit again. It's kind of creepy actually, like amoebas joining to become some larger amoeba... uhuhuhuhh (shudder noise).

Step 3 - throw all the rest of the ingredients on top and mix it all up with your hands. Again, these biscuits want to stick to each other, and as soon as the ingredients hit, they pretty much want to stick just to the top biscuit pieces. As you mix them all around, it's not as easy to distribute as in the video. Believe it or not, it actually takes longer than 2 seconds, just try not to smash the pieces or you will have just dense biscuit pieces later.

Step 4 - put three pieces in each little cup of the muffin tin. Again, these things just want to keep forming back into a whole biscuit so it is actually hard to find those little individual quarters, and you may have to pull them apart. No biggie just do that and don't worry about it. Also, out of fear, I sprayed the pan with store-brand-equivalent-Pam, even though it's non-stick. I would definitely recommend doing that if your muffin tin is not non-stick because despite all the butter, they will absolutely be stuck to the pan because of the cheese, and this is not a paper-liner situation. And yes, you end up with a couple odd pieces left, I just added them to another biscuit grouping.

Step 5 - Bake aaaand done! Pop out and eat... I was worried that the center would not be fully cooked, but it was perfectly fine.

Kids loved it. My one recommendation - well two actually - I would add some fresh minced garlic. Not too much, but the garlic powder was not enough for me, and actually became kind of stuck to the first dough contact made. You could, I suppose, melt the butter, and the garlic powder to it and then dump it in and it might be better, but I just think it really needed a real garlic boost. You also don't need to use as much cheese if you don't want to. The only other thing I'd say is that biscuits are inherently sort-of sweet. A little sprinkling of salt or maybe even a touch of grated Parmesan on top will help with that if you find you don't care for that kind of flavor. And yeah, I didn't take a pic of mine, but they really did look like video. Success!

So two, count 'em two great recipes. They don't go together, i.e. don't serve the garlic rolls with the chicken - I didn't, those were two separate incidences- but definitely try them. So au revoir, ciao, bon appetit, mangia... go cook something.

And welcome to the annual installment of "what was I thinking?"

Yo yo yo my peeps and Happy New Year. After a very long hiatus I feel the need to write to you all. No clue why. (It's not really about you, actually. Shhh.) So what's up? Me? Not much - no big changes. Just hanging around, doing the everyday thing - work, chauffeur, stay up until 2am because, well, anxiety knocks. But I digress. Topics for another day.

Oh! I got a new phone! Totally rots. I had a good-ole-fashioned Blackberry that I became way too comfortable with, and then the unthinkable: text messages started to come through blank and I could not send or receive picture messages due to formatting my phone no longer supported. Noooooooo!!!!!!!!! The time had come, I had no choice: a new phone. Now I can text and no one can read it because I am completely inept at using a virtual keyboard. Great.

So what compelled my return? A) I always want to be blogging and time frankly doesn't permit since I crochet and drive around and yada yada, and I wordsmith like a madman and that causes entries to take forever to be published (currently have about 4 in draft form because of this issue), b) I enjoyed cooking and then blogging about it, c) sometimes I really want to write about personal struggles that maybe other people could benefit from knowing the ins and outs of for however they connect. BUT really - I very much enjoyed taking the recipes that pop up all over Facebook, trying them, and then telling you about them. I love to cook and it was fun and a good way to try something new. Now the big things are these cooking videos like those from "Tasty" and "Buzzfeed", making delicious food look achievable in 30 seconds or less. So, I thought I'd give it a go - try a video recipe and see if it works! What fun!

But now back to the main topic, the reason for the title - the holiday cooking blitz that I subject myself to yearly. There is no need to do this, I completely choose to and then when it's the 11th hour and I'm still cooking, I thoroughly hate myself. Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful - I did not have time to do anything due to work, so I opted for some quick and dirty pies: 1) blueberry, which I will confess used canned filling - why? Because it was supposed to be a terrible but much beloved (by me) cherry pie and I didn't have any cherry pie filling, but it did have a really pretty lattice top, if I do say so myself, 2) pumpkin, and 3) chocolate cream which was not from scratch and I did it wrong and whatever, it was still chocolaty and creamy and in a crust, what else can you ask for? But Christmas...

I planned. I read recipes over and over. I worked out the timing in my head. I was going to bring some cookies to work even. That didn't happen. Going to the grocery when needed - didn't happen. My dishwasher broke. And all of this wrapped around the horror of horrors: every single gift I had ordered for the girls for Christmas (and Abby's birthday on top of it) was on back-order. I'm not kidding; as of the week before Christmas there would be nothing under the tree for them to open, and eta's for everything were somewhere in the vicinity of 12/28 - 1/7. NOT GOOD. Many panic attacks and sleepless nights ensued, and all cooking considerations by the wayside. And then a miracle - one of the packages showed up on Monday, then another Tuesday, and by Christmas Eve, it was all here. I could NOT believe it. This is why I believe in Santa, frankly. He's real, I tell you, real!

Back to cooking...
I always have my staples: Italian Crescent cookies, Chocolate Espresso Snowcaps, chocolate gingerbread bars, and then I like to throw in something new. I set my sights on Raspberry Palmiers (made with a sour-cream dough similar to rugelach, instead of puff pastry, but whatever), and then I thought I'd throw in some Linzer cookies too. And there was the chocolate mint roll. Oh and 1979-ish Jello poke cake. And then on Christmas Eve I decided I needed some lemon bars. AND because my sister graciously hosts Christmas at her house, I like to try to help as much as I can, and I promised butternut squash stuffed shells, and balsamic glazed green beans. Timing actually went surprisingly well. No major glitches (except for some late-night baking, and absolutely no green beans to be found anywhere, but that's alright). Now what you've all been waiting for, drum roll please: the results:

So naturally when needing something new, I turn to Martha - hence the palmiers. Sounded like a great idea because it made a ton (9 dozen) and could be done in stages since the dough needed a fair bit of chilling here and there. Everything was really ok except for one thing: I hated them. Execution was fine, and I'm sorry Martha, you know I love you, but palmiers made with anything but puff pastry is not good. You can see the attraction - this is Martha's pic and mine looked semi-close (not as browned):

They just weren't..well, palmier-y. I took half the dough, wrapped it and put it in the freezer, and I'll just use it for rugelach later. It will be fine for that.

I've made Linzer cookies before, I made the dough, and then...did not have the energy. I wrapped it up for the freezer also, and I'll use it another day. The lemon bars were meh - not lemony enough for me. I used this recipe by Joy The Baker because I didn't want to make a ton and it seemed about right. I should have used Ina Garten's or of course, Martha's - she's got about 5 lemon bar recipes but the classic would have been fine, despite both recipes making about twice as much as I wanted. (Side note - apparently lemon bars freeze very well - will test that later.)

My real fancy dessert that I was NOT going to skip was the Mint Chip Cake Roll by Crazy for Crust. A thing of beauty combining chocolate and mint - how can you go wrong? Guess what? You can't! I've made cake rolls before and this went very well - easy peasy, honest! Now mine did not look like this:

but only because I didn't sprinkle all the nice chips and stuff on the outside. But what I did do was make a ganache, add a little peppermint extract, and slap it on with the back of a spoon. The result: totally looked like a yule log! Oh yeah... who's da bomb-diggity? Me, baby!

Anyway, this is really long. Everything turned out exhausting but awesome. I am happy to say that despite kicking myself, it was probably the easiest cooking under pressure I've done and why? Because I said no - when something didn't go like I wanted, or I didn't have time, I didn't push it - I put it aside. When I had to frost the cake quickly - it didn't matter - nobody cared, it was fine. The Jello poke-cake by the way, ended up as part of Abby's birthday. And when green beans were nowhere to be found, that's when I threw in the lemon squares. Super doable, and yeah not a vegetable, but at least a shot of Vitamin C, right? No Christmas scurvy for anyone! Ho ho ho!

So thanks for reading...if anyone wants any of the recipes or needs them copied from their respective sites or if you need a link for something that's not already linked here, just ask. Requests? Maybe I'll oblige. My next installment will be of the dinner entree variety. Now for some black mint tea... this was entirely too much.

Killing many birds with one stone...

I mentioned on Facebook once that blogging was hard. Really hard. You have a thousand things to say, all disjointed and too different for a single post (hence "random thoughts"), so you start like five posts, then never publish them, and become your own worst enemy and blog badly. I am a bad bad blogger! Bad girl!

And now I'm so behind. I still stand around and think about all these subjects I want to blog about, besides recipes, but there they sit in my posts to be edited, and ugh.

And then... revelation! I have a whole bunch of recipes in my arsenal, that I tried and are waiting for review, and it hit me: do short versions all at once! Yeah, that's the ticket! And that's what I'm going to do! Ladies and Gentlemen, in no particular order, chronological or otherwise, a bunch of recipes!

1. Marbled Chocolate Pumpkin Brownies

I love pumpkin. I love all things pumpkin: pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin butter, pumpkin pie, any kind of pumpkin dessert, coffee, smoothie, ravioli...whatever. I also love brownies, and so these were not going to go unmade. I remember these being tasty, just a tad dry, a little involved for brownies and that I made these quite a while ago and not again since. I didn't move the recipe to my "keep" file either. I would say go ahead and give them a whirl, but also, just try your favorite packaged brownie mix and then just make the pumpkin swirl part (a cop-out, I know, but I didn't find the actual brownie portion of this to be remarkable). Actually you know what? I don't know if it's just because I'm hungry right now and would really love a brownie, but I'm going to move this over to my keep file and try it again.

[ok - I just saw the creepiest commercial with an overweight woman having a conversation with her skinny self about how great she looks. I'm really confused with how that is happening. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.]

2. Leftover Roast Chicken Soup with Roasted Vegetables

So pretty, so nice for a fall dinner, so easy... but here's the thing... you just don't need a recipe for chicken soup. I make my own broth when I roast a chicken for dinner, and if there's not enough (or I get lazy and don't do it), just buy some chicken broth [NOTE: ALWAYS HAVE BROTH ON HAND!]. Now heat up the chicken broth and use it to cook whatever veggies you chop up, or to warm up leftover veggies you're throwing in, add the meat, cook up some pasta or rice and add it. You can't do it wrong. You can come up with whatever version you like and make it your signature soup. In terms of this recipe, it is a very nice combination of veggies and flavorings and textures. I learned how to make broth from my (first) mother-in-law and it was one of the best things I ever learned. Here's just a quick instruction I found from Epicurious in case you need one: Leftover Roast-Chicken Stock

3. Slow Cooker Chicken Teriyaki

So yummy, so annoying. Nothing bugs me more than crockpot recipes that start with "In a heavy skillet..." and end with "Preheat broiler..." Why? Who did not get the memo that Crockpot means: put stuff in, add some liquid so things don't burn, turn on, leave it alone... and voila dinner? Not cook everything in a pan first, put it in the Crockpot, then take it all out, and do more cooking to it. This is what I will say if you make this: brown the chicken if your thigh meat has skin-on, if not forget it, do your sauce like it says so it gets all thick and nice, and don't bother with the broiler. If the chicken is cooked like it should be in a crockpot, it should fall off the bone and it won't matter anyway. But it is really yum... You could use the sauce alone for other non-crockpot dishes also. (By the way, I am not keeping this recipe - it's good, but not so great as to put it in the pantheon of keepers.)

4. Holy YUCK Chicken

The actual recipe here, brought to you by the "Table for Two" blog, is called "Holy Yum Chicken". I have also found it in other places as "Man Pleasing Chicken". I beg to differ on both counts. I don't typically copy and paste the entire text of a recipe, but I am compelled to do so only with the disclaimer that comes with this recipe, not unlike Happy Fun Ball:

"DISCLAIMER:
1. If you don’t like mustard, you likely will not like this dish. 1/2 the recipe’s ingredient is mustard.
2. It will taste mustardy with a nice hint of sweetness! So again, if you don’t like mustard, don’t make this.
3. If you don’t follow directions and want to improvise, that is definitely ok! But please do not come back to yell at me for a failed dish. The instructions are laid out completely below because I have tested it myself and it works the way it’s written below.
4. If you do not use the right equipment it will likely not turn out either. 8×8″ pan means 8×8″ pan. 2 layers of foil means 2 layers of foil. Why? 8×8″ pan will keep the sauce together and compact and won’t cause it to spread out over a large surface area. If you put it in a larger pan, it will spread, therefore, causing the sauce to get cooked off and you’ll end up with dry chicken and little to no sauce. Double layering the foil insulates the sauces and the chicken, it’ll keep the sauce from burning on the scalding hot pan.
5. Yes, it really is cooked at 450 degrees. I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, it’s very high but it also works (proof: above pictures!) :)
6. If you’re using chicken breasts, reduce cooking time to 25-30 minutes or you’ll end up with dry chicken.
7. You may use bone-in chicken thighs. Cooking time is the same.
8. Whole grain mustard is not the same as Dijon mustard.
9. Rice wine vinegar and rice vinegar are the same thing. The names are interchangeable.
10. If you can’t find unseasoned rice wine vinegar, you may use seasoned rice wine vinegar and vice versa."

And now that you've ready that I will again say to you, there was no cries of "holy yum!" and there was certainly no pleased man (and he eats everything). I keep wondering if I did something wrong, but nope. It is disgusting; I think it may actually be un-holy. The texture of the sauce was actually like powder suspended in liquid, too liquidy, too harsh, and smelled kind of nasty. I made it with chicken breast and I ended up scraping and washing off all the sauce and making some chicken salad with it. Don't make it - you won't respect yourself in the morning.

5. Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes

So pretty, right? Abby had a party for her dance competition team and I offered to bring a dessert, so I looked for something pretty and pink and ballerina-y and I found these. Let me tell you how easy these are. Like I've done with other recipes that just call for a cake, I made cupcakes from boxed chocolate cake mix but did not do any of the modifications here, had Connor help me make chocolate covered strawberries, and then the magic: that strawberry buttercream. Tastes like strawberry ice cream and I swear you could eat it like that - gimme a big bowl. Tip: I ended up using much more puree than it says to use, don't be afraid to play with it. Also, the cake mix I used was too soft and fluffy. The girls ended up eating the cupcakes the next day, and they weren't substantial enough to hold up, so I may try re-making just the cake part as prescribed in the recipe to see if that matters. If nothing else, the strawberry buttercream recipe is worth saving. Oh, and making the pretty swirls of frosting on top looks easier than it is. First, doing that uses way more frosting than you think, and although it looks like it'd be superfast, in order to get pretty, evenly graduated swirls, you need to be less super-fast. Just moderate and steady. I love iambaker's blog, and she has a really good tutorial on it right here (click on the "here"). It uses an open star tip, but you can figure it out.

So - I have more to go, but I would think five's enough to bore you with for now. I'll add in the rest later, AND an update to what happened after "oooo-eeee-oooo part 2". Go read that and part 1 if you haven't, but not alone on a dark and stormy night. Kidding! It's just wierd.

The Most Excellent Cookies & Cream Cake

Easter dessert..hmm...what to make? I like to think of myself as the family dessert-provider for (almost) all occasions. Now, that doesn't mean that I necessarily make everything, I just like to bring it. (And I don't do apple pies - that's my BIL's job; last time he made one Connor consumed his weight in pie.) I am also compelled to have not just one but two, or three desserts, usually 1) something I've wanted to make, 2) something everyone will eat, 3) something my Dad will like. This year was a custard pie for my Dad, a Pavlova with strawberries which I know everyone likes, and the titular Fudgy Cookies and Cream cake from Confessions of a Cookbook Queen. That was the one I had been wanting to make since I first saw it, and why not? Who doesn't love cookies and cream anything?

I don't normally gravitate toward a big chocolate-y dessert, BUT Oreos are perhaps the best cookie ever and that's what got me - that nicely speckled crushed cookie filling... when I was younger and not lactose-impaired and could drink a big glass of milk without later complications, milk and oreos... I think perhaps a whole box of oreos to one glass of milk was about right. I'd soak them until the cookie was almost mushy, but then the filling consistency was still the same...in the words of George Takei: "oohh Myyyyy". Make this I must!

[Note: Can I tell you that I have literally been writing this for weeks... shortly after Easter until... well now it's May 15th. Geez. I apologize for being the most sucktastic blogger ever. Back to the cake.]


There is of course, the actual recipe for the chocolate cake for this. Being pressed for time (and lazy), I used a Duncan Hines Devil's Food boxed mix. Why the heck is that called "Devil's Food"? I have to find out. Apparently, according to Wikipedia therefore it must be accurate, the cake is called so because it is the opposite of Angel Food cake. Alright, sounds plausible enough. I made my cake as 2 8" layers, wrapped it, and put it in the deep freeze.

When I got close to ready to assemble is when I actually made the filling, because I wanted to keep it as fresh as possible, and it's made with whipped cream and I didn't want the consistency to be affected if it sat. I crushed the bejesus out of my cookies. I wanted the cookie crumbs to be as fine as possible, so I did them in the food processor. I also bought the cheapest cookies known to mankind. It's an ingredient in a cake, and kind of minor in comparison with what is to be a lot of chocolate flavor - there's no need to buy the most expensive cookies out there. I would not change a single ingredient in the filling. It's perfect - so very light in flavor and texture and yet substantial enough to use as a filling in a multi-layered cake, and makes a great counterpoint to all the rich chocolate. A word about assembling: since I did not make the chocolate cake as written in the recipe itself, I do not know what the density of that cake would be, but the boxed Devil's Food was so light and moist that it actually didn't freeze as well as I thought. What do I mean by that? I mean that the cake was very cold but still very fluffy and soft. This did not cause me a big problem, and I was able to cut each round into two layers, and still filled easily.

For the frosting, I opted to do a ganache. What is described in the recipe is a buttercream, but I find buttercream to be such a pain in the arse. Ganache can take on a couple different forms. It's very simple - almost equal amounts of chocolate and heavy cream. Put your chocolate in a bowl, heat up the cream, pour on top of the chocolate, and let the chocolate melt, stir it so it all comes together, and voila a nice velvety liquid chocolate sauce. Let it cool and it starts to get thicker. When its very very cool, you can continue to a whip it up and make more of a frosting consistency, but I decided I wanted to just pour the cooled ganache over the top of the cake and I did pick up what fell to the bottom, I used a small spatula (a.k.a. butter knife) and made sure the sides were covered also. And that's it! Done!

Verdict: Deeeelicousness. Everyone loved it and come to think of it, on a difficulty scale the most difficult part was assembly and it was not bad at all. I used boxed cake and it was fine. Changing to ganache - perfectly easy. What's the hardest part? Washing everything. Totally worth making and I wouldn't change anything from what I did, except maybe try the cake (itself) recipe.

So my apologies for this being the longest awaited recipe review yet, even though technically you, dear reader, have no concept of how much time has actually elapsed from start to finish (but it's a lot).

'Til we meet again....

Pork Chops and apple sauce....ain't that swell?

Anyone who knows me knows that I can relate any personal situation to something in a tv sitcom, and here I am showing my unhealthy love of TV by quoting Peter Brady when he was pretending to be a '40's-style gangster. I will now attempt to embed this video:


I did it! Awesome! You know, these awesome things and super-exciting posts are exactly why I am scratching my head in disbelief that I ONLY HAVE FIVE FOLLOWERS. I mean, seriously?! Wow - you five people tell your friends they do not know what they're missing because today we are talking about what? That's right, pork chops... (but not applesauce, I was just putting in a teaser that falls flat, like the evening news previews while you're watching your evening programming).

I once again made a somewhat empty, and undeniably premature promise to post my review of Crunchy Honey Garlic Pork Chops from Just A Pinch. But rest assured that I always come through eventually, although it could be posthumously, so just hang tight! And here I am following up on my promise! They sure do look tasty, and my kids love pork chops, so here's our dinner experiment:

I used 6 very large, 1" thick, bone-in chops. The picture definitely looks like bone-in, but my judgement told me anyway that where this was going through a pan fry and then into the oven, that the bone-in should be a little more forgiving because it tends to have more fat than boneless, which helps it to not dry out so much. Also, for the most part, you'd have to probably pound out, or slice in half the boneless if you had it, since they're usually quite thick. Another thing about this recipe that's a winner - you likely have all these ingredients already: honey, brown sugar, ginger (I used dry), soy sauce, garlic... very basic. Let's get started!

Because my chops were so large I could only cook 2 at a time, and even that was pushing it. I made the glaze right away while the first chop was cooking. There's no need to wait and it's really easy so you may as well get to it. Issue #1 that I had was that my chops were so large that I did not know what to do for the baking dish. You are supposed to use the 9x13. There is no way you'd get 6 regular chops, never mind large ones in that size pan. They will overlap, so if you don't mind that, then ok. The ones I had were so large that I should not have even used that pan. They ended up way too stacked up, even 3 layers at one point. But... I started and the pan's dirty now, so that's what I'm going with. I carefully fried everything so that it's nice and crunchy and follow the instructions for the sauce but I just know that the way these things are piled in the pan, that the sauce will not really glaze up like in the pic. And it doesn't. Really the coating becomes soggy with the sauce. BUT - super tasty.. kids loved it! It was yummy, even though I didn't really want to it eat it (after I've been cooking for a while, I don't want to eat what I made. I know, weird, huh?).

Would I make this again? Yes, and here's what I would do to fix it:
The glaze needs to be cooked longer to be more reduced and concentrated and syrupy. As it is, bringing it just to a boil at the original volume, it's too much in quantity and very wet, not at all like a glaze, and what happens is that it just soaks into that nice crispy coating that you so painstakingly worked at while frying the chops, and pours right over it all to the bottom of the dish. It needs to have some substance to actually cling and coat without making everything soggy. I'd be sure to use a pan or more than one pan, that the chops can all be in an even layer. They are going in the oven for another 20-ish minutes and if the glaze has just all poured to the bottom, and everything's on top of something else, then they will never look like that pic. Also - be sure not to overcook in the frying pan. You are finishing in the oven not just to set the glaze, but to finish the cooking, so make sure you don't have chops that are dry as a bone before you put them in. However, if they were to be so done that you don't dare put them in the oven, I would think that not all is lost - serve them anyway and just drizzle the glaze on. It seems to me that it should be pretty forgiving. The recipe also suggests trying chicken breast, and I could definitely see it working with that, but I haven't tried it. Crunchy honey garlic chicken tenders... now that's an idea. Maybe with cornflakes in the coating? The mind reels....

So since my kids and Bruce really thought this was tasty and ate it all up, yes, I will put this in my "keep" file and try it again with modifications, and I'll let you know how it turns out when I do. Or if you try it, comment and tell me!

What shall I review next...hmm...